“But” will you answer when he calls? Part 1

Have you ever been in a point in your life, the kind where you know you have to change course, and you’re willing to do it, “BUT” what about the cost? It’s not about selling your soul, it’s about freeing it. It’s about getting back to the way you know it should be, not the way it has had to become to survive.

Watch this video to understand the word "But" 

I was there, miserable is the only word that I have to describe the feelings. When you don’t want to do the things you know you love to do. When you don’t want to get out of bed because you don’t want to face the day. Having to face, to do, and to be someone you’re not. Every day I found myself day dreaming of what I really want to be doing. When I was under attack by the things I hated most, I would post a simple saying on my FB page. “Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree” It was my way of trying to escape, code for wanting to be sitting in that field of Christmas Trees, shutting the world out.

When I drove home, in Oct of 2013 it was a last minute choice to do so. My mom needed help, because the winter firewood wasn’t even started, and the weather was turning cold fast. It wasn’t just to help her, it was to escape. It was to do what I knew was the right thing in my heart. To stop prioritizing my day job, how I was trying to survive and pay my debts. Family is so much more important than my day job in corporate America. So I drove, cross country 2,200 miles one way…

My escape was simple, take a well used chainsaw, a log splitter, my bare hands, and my truck. With them, create firewood from the land. I found it so easy to get up in the morning, eat breakfast, get dressed, and attack the day. I didn’t dread what I was doing, I truly enjoyed it. Then that job crept in, in order to stay back home for the whole three weeks, I had to bring work with me. “Have a laptop, can work anywhere with an internet connection.” This is where the fun started to go away, once again, I was having to prioritize the wrong things to pay my bills, to keep the bosses happy. This feeling frustrated me immensely as felt like I was neglecting what was important in life. Neglecting it for what was expected by others, because “of course they knew what I was supposed to be doing, how to prioritize my life.”

When I got back to Austin, back into the routine of my normal everyday life. This frustration REALLY started to take over. I couldn’t focus on work, all I could focus on was that peace I felt, back home with nature. Enjoying Nature at its best, working hard, standing in the middle of one of gods great creations a beautiful river as it cut thru the land. Ever so peaceful, it’s beauty creating a noise that would block the world out.

This frustration came to a peak, around thanksgiving weekend, all I wanted to do was find peace. The demands of work during the biggest time of the year, consumed my life, and I regretted it dearly. I regretted I couldn’t live and enjoy the holiday moments without guilt that I was neglecting my job. What was I to do? I couldn’t take it any longer, but I was stuck, I had to pay my debts. I was struggling with everything after my divorce went final just a year prior. I limited the driving of my race car, as funding that ride couldn’t take precedence over paying my debt. Giving up everything I was enjoying for the things that were trying to drowned me in life.

I was invited to church by a good friend the Sunday before thanksgiving, an invite that had been offered by that friend, and another multiple times. Of Course I didn’t go, myself and the man upstairs weren’t really on speaking terms. I believe in him, but with my situation and all that happen, I lost my respect for him. Didn’t understand why I was being put in my situation. The guilt from not going that Sunday morning, troubled me the entire week.

This was a big week for me, it was the anniversary of many things, one right after the other. Not good things, the things that I was mad about, that I didn’t want to talk to god about. In the middle of this anger and guilt, I walked into the office on Monday morning with a very interesting surprise on my desk. Someone had left a Lego Christmas Tree Farm built beside my keyboard. A coworker found it after buying Christmas presents for his children, it was a free gift for his purchase. He said, “I knew exactly who I was going to give this too”

What I didn’t realize was there a chain of events that had started, events that were completely out of my control. This chain of events would change my life forever! These would awaken a dream, break the chains of guilt and pain, and cause me to say good bye to Corp. America, and truly believe I didn’t have to go back. “BUT” am I willing to take the Risks needed?